A close second? It was early in the day. I mean, I just woke up seven hours ago. You must respect your circadian rhythm. Otherwise, why bother with a body clock?
Also, I worked three weeks ago. That should qualify as speed. However, all experts warn against overdoing it. That’s why I cut it short. Reducing it prevents the inevitable overkill.
If I exercise today, I might have to take a shower too. It needs a lot of water. Trying to be more consistent here, people!
It also helps me get in the mood to actually exercise. Unfortunately, I wasn’t in the mood to exercise. But you don’t know. This museum could appear at any minute.
Besides, I’ve already gotten a lot of what you might call incidental exercise, which may be a normal day-to-day activity. I floss seriously. I make butterfly curls with my fork while I eat. It all counts.
I also have a lot to do today. I seriously doubt that all the emails in my junk file are going to delete themselves. Someone needs to watch YouTube videos of kids frolicking with puppies.
Also, I’m really hungry to blast my quads right now. All nutritionists warn that you should never do downward dogs while craving Nutella. or when full. Or – my personal policy – anytime between meals or snacks. If you give up unnecessary movement, it makes digestion easier.
What if I start my exercise routine? The goods always arrive. Avoiding exercise guarantees that nothing can interfere. Always.
If I joined a gym, I would be more motivated to exercise.
Or if I had an expensive personal trainer, he would yell at me in an impenetrable language.
Or a gym buddy who doesn’t yell at me in obscene language.
Or sweatpants if I feel better. Or I can resist the pulls in my body in places I didn’t know I had. Or I have the right app to track my measurements to the decimal point. Or for old people my hair stayed the same while my body sweated. or decrease in humidity. Or I know how to do any type of exercise in the first place. Or I can get the results I imagine almost instantly. Or I can maintain realistic expectations about my odds of becoming the next Mr. Olympia.
When all those factors come together – that, my friends, is a game changer. The long-awaited new me – cut, sculpted, ripped, shredded and jacked to the max – is finally showing up in my mirror.
Am I really asking that much? I mean, everyone is getting a little out of shape now.
Maybe it’s just my age, even if I’m still under 100.
Coming up with all these reasons is exhausting. I better lie down to catch my breath.
Counselor and columnist Bob Brady is the author of the memoir, “Playing Catch with Strangers: A Family Guy (Reluctantly) Comes of Age.”
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